Nightmares

Since I've been "cheating" on my running, I've been having cheating dreams.

First, I dreamed that I was eating candy. Per usual, when I dream about eating off-plan items, it wasn't even candy that I particularly like.

Second, I dreamed about kissing with an old college crush/friend.  It was pretty yucky, as there was this whole "We shouldn't be doing this" vibe.  For some people, there's fun in that. In my life, even my dream-life, though, it's just upsetting to even think about. Oh-so-helpfully, Paul finds it funny.

In both cases, I was consciously doing bad, so the dreams were moving into the nightmare arena. I don't usually remember my dreams, but I must have had a lot of them last night since I'd had a couple of days with less sleep than usual.

Halloween week

Halloween has turned into this excessive festival. I feel like this whole week is one big Halloween. Which isn't helping me with any exercise goals.

But I also have been thinking a lot about exercise, at least the time involved. I'm trying to stay closer to home and more focused on the family.

I had this feeling when they were babies. My older ones seem to be needing me more again, as they get into the throes of adolescence. The younger ones need help navigating some issues. Paul also has been getting irritated by my busy-ness, which happens periodically as I overcommit myself.

Of course, the big question for me is this: Is this a rationalization for my sluggishness or a realistic picture of the changing priorities of life?

Goals

After yesterday's wonderful, slow, sandy run, I thought about ways to make sure I get out there.

But then I also got pensive and realized why -- historically -- I tend to throw in the towel, both with running and weight issues.

In a philosophical sense, I believe that people make their own luck, that anyone can achieve what they set out to do, providing they're willing to work hard enough. At the same time, there has to be a shot of reality thrown in with that truth. I mean, realistically, I could work my tail off and never run a 15-minute 5K -- blame age and genetics and my general laziness. Even a 30-minute 5K seems a bit out of reach. It probably isn't, but there's the matter of how much (little) effort I'm willing to put in to it.

I have these numbers in my head of race times I'd like to hit: a 5K in 30:00, a 10K in 60:00, a half marathon in 2:30, a full marathon in under 6:00.

But, darn it, it's hard.

And my general human tendency is to avoid pain, avoid difficulty.

I did the same thing with weight loss. When I knew that I was 60, 70, 80, 90 pounds overweight (and that it wasn't coming off with "moderation"), it was easy to throw in the towel. Pass the chocolate.

It's easier to act like you don't care than admit that you can't do it.

Both with running and weight, I'm falling into the "I don't care" place, and that's never good. To be fair, what is happening is that there are limited rewards for dramatically increased amounts of effort.

It'd be good to get thinner and reduce my abdominal fat. At the same time, I have so much less motivation; I don't have all the negatives (clothes issues, unconsciously irritated husband, health concerns) that were pushing me toward weight loss when I was obese.

It'd be nice to hit my race time goals. At the same time, doing so would take a lot of work. I had motivation to finish races. I have less motivation to hit certain times. For now, the trick is to figure out how to inspire myself to actually work toward the more difficult goals.

Or come to the realization and make the decision that they're not really that important to me.

50-minute 'long run'

This morning, while my 14-year-old played Ultimate Frisbee on the beach, I ran barefoot on the sand.

I've been terrible about getting long runs in. This was a great way to do it. It's sort of sad that 50 minutes counts as a long run for me right now. Running on soft sand, which is so much harder, is a good way of making sure I don't hurt myself by going too long too quickly.

Yesterday, my two younger children went to the Marathon Kids kickoff event at UCLA. We all ran about 3/8 of a mile. The kids got a bit ahead of me because there were a lot of walkers and they could get around them less obnoxiously than I can. But I was able to keep them in sight.

This event two years ago, when I realized that I would struggle to jog 400 meters, is what made me decide I should at least try to run.

Feeling 'old'

The family got sort of into my 3-year anniversary. The 6-year-old doesn't remember when I ate bread. In fact, he asked the other day, "Why don't you eat bread? I keep forgetting." He doesn't remember my obesity.  Of course, I always try to tell him that it's Just Me who can't eat bread and then eat anything else moderately, that it's OK if he eats bread.

The 14-year-old asked how many years it had been. One? Two?

No, it's three, I told him.

"Wow. I feel really old," he said.

Yummy eggs

Indian food is so much fun to make, with all the aromatic spices that get toasted or fried ahead of time. I used my tiny cast-iron pan with them last night. Then, without removing the remaining spices or touch of oil, I scrambled my eggs in that pan this morning. The eggs with whole cumin seeds and a touch of cayenne and garlic were amazing.