I made cookies again today. As my 11-year-old, the typical cookie maker in my house, is on a scouting camping trip, I had to do it. It's not easy.
I've been thinking a lot about cravings. I've talked before about how I really don't have cravings anymore. That is, I can sit there around all kinds of tasty things I like and have no problem. The idea of eating them is out of question. I can look at the case of desserts at the store and mentally pick out the ones I like and the ones I'd choose if I was eating that sort of stuff. But it doesn't really bother me to be around tempting things the way it used to -- when I was still eating them.
Sometimes, though, even though I don't have the kinds of cravings for fatty, sugary food that I used to, I still Just Want It. I want to be able to eat normally. I want to be able to have a small serving of dessert. Or a big one once in a while. I just can't. And I know that.
In that sense, I do feel like the alcoholic who avoids a single drink.
Because who knows where it will lead.
I can start thinking I'll be fine; I start imagining that I can eat a small serving of some prohibited food. But I don't. People gain their weight back all the time, and there is no way I'm going to be one of the people who do.
When I was picking up my running group shirt, the lady at the counter -- get this -- looked at me and asked if I wanted a small or a medium. I haven't fit in a small shirt since I was about 12. I went with the medium, even though it's slightly big, as even if I could wear a small shirt, I undoubtedly should not. My medium-size running shorts are also getting too big. Here's my question: If I can wear small clothing, what the heck do truly tiny women wear?
2 days ago