Long run today

I got 2 hours and 15 minutes worth of running today. It was probably about 12.5 miles. I did get three (3!) phone calls while I was running, so I slowed to a walk so I wasn't panting in my callers' ears.

It was a bit windy, which I could feel on certain straightaways.

The backs of my knees are a little sore, but, otherwise, I feel fine.

My total for the week is (I'm estimating) about 35 miles in 365 minutes of running.

Changes

"You're trimmer than when we got married, aren't you?" Paul asked this morning.

Well, I weigh about 10 pounds less, although my body is a bit different.

Four kids and 14 years will do that.

I'm also in much better shape. I'm a smaller size, at least in pants. I probably couldn't fit into my wedding dress, though, as I had a slimmer middle and was just a bit less big on top.

Additional newness and Kelly Clarkson

Forgot to mention -- it was only a 35-minute run this morning, but it felt like more.

I also did Pilates last night. Only one more class left, and I'm just as happy.

Another new thing: Thanks to a recommendation from a friend, I've gotten really into the new Kelly Clarkson, "I Do Not Hook Up," which is a little different from what I usually like. It was written by Katy Perry and Kara DioGuardia of "American Idol" fame. It should probably be among my embarrassing songs, but it's just not.

Something new

I went back to something I used to do when I first started running. With a twist.

I used to primarily walk and then add a little jog, gradually increasing the minutes. At first, I was walking for five minutes and jogging for one -- but it was surprising how quickly the ratio reversed.

Lately, I've been running at a fairly consistent and rather slow pace for a rather long time. I think my body is just getting used to it. Heck, if I can run with my mouth closed, I'm not running that hard.

So, today I primarily jogged at my 10-to-11-minute-mile pace, but every five minutes or so, I'd kick it up a bit. Not super-fast, not an all-out run, but faster than I usually go. I'd do that for three or four minutes and then go back to a jog. It made the workout much harder.

The goal, of course, is to start jogging faster. It was nice to mix things up, as well, as I still love running -- but I'm starting to get a little complacent and, dare I say it?, bored. I'm also hoping to increase calorie burn.

Embarrassing running music on my iPod

This is a thread going around some of the running blogs I read.

Here's my list:

1) Mickey Avalon: This is a Jewish L.A. rapper. "Jane Fonda" is his best known song. His latest single has the f-word (not "fat") in its name. I cannot quote any of his best lines. I keep his stuff far, far away from my children.

2) "Rock Star" by Hannah Montana. What can I say? It's cute and bouncy and great to run to. It's also the ultimate in Disney marketing.

3) "Semi-Charmed Kind of Life" by Third Eye Blind. This is a song that you always hear as background on cute little sitcoms. Have you ever heard the words? You can't pick this up from the refrain, but it's all about doing crystal meth and other things. It's more vulgar than anything by Mickey Avalon in its own subtle way. Musically, it's also sort of bouncy and pointless.

4) Big & Rich. They are what happens when you combine country, rock and hip-hop. It's not pretty. (Paul puts up with a lot of my music. This he absolutely cannot stand.) On "Comin' to Your City" they talk about getting drunk all over the country. When they go to Canton, Ohio, they "scare the hell out of Marilyn Manson." Their take on SoCal: "L.A.'s got the freaks who drink them $15 drinks." That pretty much sums it up.

5) Tom Jones. My favorite of his songs is his version of Prince's "Kiss," which I don't have yet. But, I'll settle for "It's Not Unusual," "What's New Pussycat?" or "She's a Lady."

Heart rate

I've gotten my resting heart rate down to the mid-60s. This, BTW, is the middle-of-the-day-after-having-run rate, not the right-out-of-bed rate.

I know, I know -- to measure true fitness I'm supposed to measure the rate of heart rate recovery. I'm just not that techy yet.

The power of a word

I use the word fat.

Always have, even 85 pounds ago.

I never used it to berate myself. I think I used it to take ownership of the word, much as African-Americans use the N-word or homosexuals took control over other negative words to describe them.

For example, I didn't talk with any embarrassment about where I had to shop for clothes. I called Lane Byrant or The Avenue "the fat lady stores" or the women's department "the fat lady section."

At the same time, I know it can make people a little bit uncomfortable. Which isn't my intention. (OK, not completely.)

I think a little discomfort is good. Fatness isn't something that a) other people don't notice or b) that is really the absolute worst thing in the world. In our culture, though, the whole issue carries so much emotional power. Even though I am not immune to the emotional power in some ways, I don't like the idea that Fatness is The Thing That Cannot Be Spoken About, particularly when people talk about so many other taboo issues now.

100 minutes

I got out even earlier this morning and was delighted that it actually felt a little cool.

I didn't go out with any big expectations, although I assumed I'd get at least an hour in.

But with the nice temperature, I soon realized that I might actually be able to get a longish run in. The one hundred minutes felt great.

Oh, please no!

One of homeschooling friends told me her husband almost whistled at me the other day, just to jokingly compliment me.

I would've been mortified and turned about 16 shades of red. I'm so glad he didn't.

I'm just not there yet. I'm still too uptight for that kind of thing. Oh, a discreet compliment can be nice. A whistle doesn't qualify as discreet, though.

What running has done for me

Losing weight, in some ways, messed with me psychologically.

I was nice and comfortable in my identity as an overweight, friendly and frumpy homeschooling mom. I was reliable and always helping others. My confidence came from my skill and ease with babies and toddlers. I was essentially invisible to "cool" people because what I was focusing my life on was and is adamantly not "cool." At least that's the dominant cultural judgment.

Losing weight has been wonderful, but it did mess with the status quo, purely based on my changing appearance.

I started becoming hyper-self-conscious, not unlike an adolescent, with being Object of the Gaze.

What running has done so wonderfully is kick me past that. I care less about what my body looks like (and, let's face it, it's still changing) and more about What It Can Do. And that seems so much healthier.

65 minutes

I finally got myself out the door early enough to beat the heat and get a few miles in.

Not eating breakfast helped with the timing; I was out the door by 6:30.

Even by 7:30, it was starting to get bad. I can't tell if it would've been bad for anyone -- or just for me with my five layers on top.

The blessing

I got explicit, unequivocal approval from Paul today regarding my way of writing about weight, weight loss, food, gender, sexuality, etc., etc., etc.

Here's the amazing quote:

"You can't write as though the Pope is looking over your shoulder, an English teacher is looking over your shoulder or your husband is looking over your shoulder. For you to create something wonderful, you cannot be inhibited and worried about that. I don't want you having an internal editor that is focused on me."

What about when I'm writing about things in our relationship?

"But that's a big part of the story," he said. "You have to write about it."

He did request that I save my best stuff for my main project, other than the blog.

The blog is a tool for me. I'm in a much different mental place now than I was six months ago. I use the blog to retain the memories of the different mental places.

Decluttering

Thanks to getting kickstarted by a friend, I'm in the middle of a big decluttering project. Of course, the last couple years have been a kind of decluttering -- on many levels.

Related to my physical space, I've got piles of primarily unused books, semi-educational games and art supplies that I'm going to pass on to others. I'm also going through the clothing. We always have too much, primarily because I have trouble saying no when hand-me-downs are offered.

Organizational guru Peter Walsh has a book called Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat, which links excess weight with excess stuff. It's an interesting concept. At the same time, his diet info is only mediocre -- very much a guy's diet book that doesn't really get the gender differences when it comes to weight gain and weight loss.

He sees a link to clutter and excess weight, though, and I do, too.

I have been doing better with the physical purging since I've started losing the weight. When I moved out to L.A., I got rid of a whole bunch of paperwork that I shouldn't have been saving and moving -- high school papers and piles of letters. Now I'm getting rid of more homeschool stuff.

I'm also decluttering in a more spiritual sense. I've recently resigned from a board of directors position as well as my low-paying, extension-of-my-volunteer work job that has started requiring way more emotional effort than I'm willing to give.

30 minutes in the sun

The busy-ness of the weekend has made it difficult for me to make the time to run.

Part of it is, of course, that I'm a huge heat wimp.

Today, though, I decided that if I didn't run in the heat of the day I wasn't going to be able to run at all. I had Mass in the morning, and we have friends coming in for dinner.

So I went out right around 1. And got a half hour in. I borrowed a baseball hat from my son; I should've worn shorts instead of leggings, as I was definitely feeling the heat. But it wasn't bad.

Why I started

Sometimes people ask what made me start the big fitness kick. In some ways, it's hard to say because it's not as though my goal before was to get really fat and out of shape. I had also been trying all kinds of things.

What made me get serious about it, though, to the point where I decided not to eat the tiniest bit of sugar, wheat, flour or corn, are some of these wake-up calls:

1) Paul wasn't thrilled with his work (he was working at a different than he has now), so I thought there was a chance I'd need to be looking for a job. Thinking about getting back in the workforce made me realize I would've struggled to get a good-paying job purely based on my appearance.

2) When I realized I would have trouble getting a job it scared me on a deeper level. What if I needed to get a job because something happened to Paul, not just because it was our choice that I do so?

That sounds all morbid, but I'm just realistic. He had had a pretty serious health scare early in our marriage, so that's something that has hovered over us. I had gotten complacent and had put it in the back of my mind. When it came to the forefront again, it was highly motivating.

3) I also was around a lot of people for my volunteer work who were as big as I was but at least 15-20 years older. They were all having pretty serious health problems that were complications from obesity. I didn't want that to be me.

4) My children were getting old enough that they were starting to hear from other children about how their mom was fat. They would tell me that they'd defended me. I didn't want them to feel like they had to do that. I told them I was fat, but that there are worse things than being fat.

These are just some of the reasons.