When will I stop?

The first time someone asked me when I was going to stop losing weight was early this summer. At the time, I still weighed about 200 pounds. Someone asked me again the other day. 

Most of my excess weight is concentrated in my belly -- the worst possible place to be carrying it from a health perspective. Right now, I can look pretty trim because I have thin legs and a small butt, but my middle still is storing way too much extra poundage. 

With the eating plan I'm on, I'll eventually stop losing weight. I have at least 25 pounds before that should happen. I don't plan on ever going off the plan, however. I'll eventually be concentrating on maintenance only, though. 

Eureka!

I've had a revelation. 

The reason I'd been getting so much weirdness with strangers is that I'd been looking at them. When I was fat, I apparently got into the habit of watching people in a way that I could get away with then because I wasn't an Object of the Gaze myself.  Now, though, that same behavior apparently communicates availability. The friendly mom act is fine for homeschool park day but isn't such a good idea for walking around Ralph's. Not that I was as friendly at Ralph's as at park day, but I apparently had an openness to my body  language that was taken as an invitation.

So now I'm channeling myself from my mid-20s, when I was single and knew instinctively how to deflect most harassment. Even though I like to watch people, I no longer have my invisibility shield, so I'm being more careful. 

Fat Is a Feminist Issue

Susie Orbach wrote this book a long time ago. I think the first time I read it was 25 years ago while in high school, and it had probably been out for at least 10 years when I discovered it. I just re-read it. It's interesting, and I think it has some good points. Orbach discusses some of the psychological reasons women become fat -- including as a way of feeling substantial or as a way of putting up a shield to avoid their fears of sexuality. Those aren't the only reasons, but all the ones she mentions seem to be along a continuum of psychological issues. I think it's a bit ironic that a work so full of feminist discourse essentially puts obesity "all in your head." To me, biology has a lot more to do with it -- lack of exercise and advancing age.

I think I got fat more out of boredom, and I don't think I should minimize the role of a slowing metabolism. Not that it's totally boring to raise children -- it's been a delight -- but there's a tremendous amount of repetitive work to it, repetitive work that I didn't have as a childless woman. 

I don't think my weight gain happened for primarily psychological reasons, however. The last 20 pounds told me that. My calorie intake did not rise. I just stopped lactating for the first time in 12 years, and that metabolic change made a huge difference.

Weigh-in

I've lost another 4.8 pounds in the last 28 days. I'm right around what I weighed when I got pregnant for the first time in 1995. 

Every 28 days, I get weighed and measured. I have lost literally 0 inches from my legs and arms,  even while losing 71 pounds, but 10 inches are gone from my hips. Most women lose weight from the top down, meaning they lose it in their face and breasts first, then their waist, then their bottom.

I, on the other hand, lost weight in my face and throat (no more snoring!) first; the most significant loss has been my butt, though. I'm starting to lose some significant inches from my chest -- finally! My waist apparently will be the last place to go, although I am down quite a bit, of course. It's also a little bit hard to tell because I have a long-ignored umbilical hernia that might be pushing out my belly more than it would be otherwise.

Day 335 & 336

Weekends always do me in on the exercise. I have more time, so I should get more in. But family needs call. 

I have one of my every 28 days weigh-ins tomorrow. It's been a decent month, I think, as my jeans are getting looser. Or stretching. It's hard to tell.

Immaturity

Sometimes I feel as though the weight loss has brought me back emotionally to where I was when I was last this weight. In 1995. 

Then, I was really into music. And procrastination. I was also 28 years old.

I feel myself drifting back that way, and I have to work to stay focused. 

On that note, I have been enjoying slacker radio (www.slacker.com) way too much lately. I'm suddenly much more knowledgeable about current music. I can hear bands I'd only heard the names of. Now, I can look at LA Weekly and recognize almost all the band names. It's also a brilliant site, in that it seems to "know" what I will like. Songs I'd loved, but forgotten about, suddenly are coming back to me by virtue of them showing up on my stations. Like "Settle for Love" by Joe Ely. It has made me realize that even though I love certain songs by certain artists (Eminem, Kanye West, Outkast, Mickey Avalon), I don't generally like their music overall.