Hungry

Gosh, I was hungry today.

Sundays can be tough in general because I take Communion (with wheat) in the morning.

The family usually loves it if I go grocery shopping on Sunday because then I bring them all sorts of things that I wouldn't normally buy. Today they got fancy blood orange soda (on clearance) and french bread right out of the oven.

But this Sunday was undoubtedly tougher because of the long run yesterday.

18 miles (with an asterisk)

I ran approximately 18 miles today.

I'm fine. I went and helped a friend with some gardening soon afterwards.

It was the most I've ever run, for sure. I'm not 100 percent positive that I got the full 18 miles, as I lost track of my group after a restroom stop at around the 12-mile mark. Then I picked up a faster pace group after running around semi-aimlessly on my own for a bit.

The problem with climbing mountains with Sherpas is that you start relying on the Sherpas; in the same way, the problem with running with a group is that I start needing the group.

Nutrition: I ate walnuts and drank water with chia seeds. I also had an additional elementalyou-approved beverage, which I am not going to mention in case my readers on the plan start thinking they can drink it without having run 18 miles. Or talking to Tiffany about it. (There is no sugar, wheat, flour, juice or artificial sweeteners. So don't get too excited.)

Overtraining?: OK, Before I signed up for this running group, I signed up to run a race tomorrow. More accurately, I signed up to run a 5K and then a 10K immediately afterwards. Because I'm just so hardcore. (Or stupid.)

Anyway, I'm thinking of blowing off the whole thing. My legs are a bit sore; knees are surprisingly fine. It's a charity race, so I don't mind losing the money all that much. But it might be fun as well. The only issue is I'm thinking running 9+ miles tomorrow probably isn't a good idea. Maybe I'll just do one of them.

No one cares what you eat

Believe me.

No one cares what you eat.

Oh, sometimes people mock me about it, particularly since I've gotten more upfront about asking what exactly is in something. (Before, I'd just bring my own food. I got burned after making a couple of educated guesses.)

A lot of people who are dieting actually think other people notice (or care) what they eat.

To think that is -- forgive me -- pretty self-absorbed. People are too busy thinking about what they or their children are eating.

Once in a while, someone will comment on my food; it's usually slightly embarrassing, but the question is purely casual -- it doesn't even mean much to them.

A sluggish 45-minute run

I don't know what was up this morning. I struggled through a 45-minute run.

The only thing that saved it was at the end when I decided on a whim to do silliness -- my version of extremely remedial parkour (parkour for dummies?) and hit stairs and other urban impediments. (Yes, I realize there is more to it, philosophically, than what I am physically capable of. Hence the joke.)

I had a houseguest last night, and we stayed up relatively late and then I took her to the airport at 4 a.m. So maybe the lack of sleep had something to do with it. Yesterday was a bit stressful and crazy as well -- but usually running is a good thing when I'm feeling stressed. So who knows why today didn't go so good. If I'm feeling ambitious I'll try again tonight during baseball practice.

My new women friends

I've talked extensively about the change in how I'm treated by men since I've lost the weight.

Perhaps more surprising is the difference with women.

The kind of women who initiate conversation with me has changed. I get the slimmer, better dressed women now coming up to ask me for help. Heavier women used to, but they don't anymore.

It seems as though people tend to talk to people they see as a peer, even though the reasons may be shallow.

Today's exercise: Instead of running, I ran around the Westside (way too much!). I did get my calisthenics and weight training in. Since I'm not working with the old-guy trainer anymore, I have some concerns about retaining the muscle I gained with him.

Breaking my clothing rule

OK, when I was heavy, I gravitated towards black clothing, partially for its allegedly slimming properties. Plus, I just liked it. It doesn't show dirt (although it does show milk stains), and it matches with so many things.

I wore a lot of black dresses when I was heavy. Not only were they allegedly slimming, but they were forgiving of my seesawing size. They also made it really easy to get dressed in the morning. I didn't have to think about what I was wearing or what I looked like, which I was always trying to avoid anyway.

I still like wearing black, and Paul likes me in it -- but I'm trying to broaden my sartorial horizons. For a while, I owned very little clothing that wasn't black. So, even though I still am drawn to black items, I'm focusing on other colors. I have enough black.

But that does bring up a little clothing issue. I have plenty of pants, thanks to a freecycling college student who no longer wears my size, and shirts, thanks to the fact that my size hasn't changed all that much recently. What I don't have are casual dresses. I recently gave away the only one I had left, as it was simply too big now.

I had promised myself that I wasn't going to be buying any more black items, but I needed to keep my eye out for dresses that would be good for daily wear.

At Target the other day, I found a dress that a) was apparently my size b) appeared to be a modest length c) sported some interesting detailing and d) was on clearance for under $20. I didn't even try it on, as I knew if it didn't fit me, it'd fit my daughter. Unfortunately, it was black, but the positives made it too tough to resist. I now have a decent running-around weekday dress again.

Running: I ran for an hour tonight in the dark with Paul trailing me and getting his own exercise in. I'm having no knee issues, which is a relief.

No one knows what's up with the City of Angels Half Marathon!

Well, someone probably does. But it's not me, unfortunately. I'm betting anything they're just going to reschedule it, which is also unfortunate.

Surreality

I got this email from a mother in my social circle today:

"This may be a stupid question, but have you ever done elementalyou or skinny girl weight loss? I am looking into it and saw a woman on the site that looks so much like you. Granted, I have never seen you needing to lose weight, so I am probably totally off, but she looks like you and her name is Kathleen."

My first thought: Is she joking? Or messing with me? (But how could that be -- she's this sweet mom?)

Then I realize that I haven't known her all that long, probably less than a year -- so she has never seen me all that big.

I still feel fat mentally; it's still my identity, so I get shocked when it's not what people see anymore.

Workout today

No running, but I did a great class with a couple of my kids today that was led by one of my favorite homeschool dads. My balance was pretty lousy per usual, but I noticed a marked improvement in my arm and core strength. It still absolutely blows my mind that consistent exercise does indeed make a difference. Yes, I know it shouldn't surprise me; I had just never seen it as obviously before.

Stealing candy

Conversation on Halloween:

"Mom, did you used to steal our candy before you went on the diet?"

Uh, probably.

"I'm so glad you stopped eating sugar!"

Conversation on Halloween II:

Me: Oooo -- Almond Joy! Those are my favorites.

Son: I know, Mom. You always say that. Every time I see an Almond Joy I think of you.

Me: Really?! That's pretty sad. Then just eat one for me.

8.5 miles with the group

I've explored a little bit of my concerns with the running group. It's not, of course, the running group itself that concerns me. It's me and whether or not the running group is going to work with my particular individual psychology.

Today was more fun than the last time. I ran with a woman who was great to talk with. It was her first time, and I invited her to run alongside me. They do this two-by-two thing, which can be deadly depending on whom you're paired with. It encourages people to not take risks and meet new people (because of the potential deadliness). Or to welcome newcomers as well as they should.

We did 8.5 miles and didn't -- thank goodness -- go the typical route along the boardwalk again. We ran past amazing Santa Monica and Brentwood homes. I brought my own water bottle, which was good as we didn't have any water stations today.

This club doesn't work for people who need to stop a lot, for whatever reason.

I don't think I like being "paced," even though on another level I appreciate it. I like to know what's coming up and to have some control over the speed. The runs are less fun when I don't have that element of control.

Our pace, including the walk breaks, was 12:15, which meant that the nonwalking pace averaged about 11:30. Eighteen miles next week.


My running wish list

These are some things I probably should get:

1) A baseball-style running hat for sun protection. Because of my massive head, I'll probably need a man's hat, but those don't have a space for a ponytail. It's easier for me to find appropriate bras -- at least I know where to go. I don't know if anyone actually makes what I'm looking for in a hat.

2) A dorky fuel belt. They come with little bottles and a pouch.

I'm so resisting the idea.

Pop culture crisis

I didn't run today, just did my calisthenics, including my new pushup, which doesn't look nearly as obscene when a woman does it. Although my kids sure thinks it's funny.

Movies: Paul and I had free tickets to see a movie at a certain theater near us, which was showing a dozen movies, but when we looked at all the trailers, we realized that there was literally Not a Single One either of us really wanted to see. Which was unfortunate because other theaters have films we would've liked to have seen.

So we didn't go.

I don't understand all the "suspenseful" movies that just seem twisted and deranged.

Music: My 13-year-old pointed out that on his iPod he has only a single song by a female vocalist: "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes. I can sort of see that, as a lot of lyrics song by women/girls are going to be pretty incomprehensible to a young teen male.

Taylor Swift is a prime example. I mean, she's great musically, but her lyrics make me cringe with her lack of understanding regarding the dance between genders. (Not that I'm any expert, of course. I'm just glad I don't have to play that game anymore.) But she definitely makes The Other seem that much more Other-y to my boy. Only her duet with T-Pain is something he can appreciate.

Confessions of a plodder

This story in the N.Y. Times has people talking about how slow runners (aka plodders) are ruining "the mystique of the marathon."

I'm definitely a plodder. Do I care? No.

Oh, sure, I'd like to run faster. Do I care than there are snooty people who think they're inherently better than me because they can run faster, maybe a lot faster? No.

Of course, they're better than me at running. Who isn't?

But, it'd be the same as me being snooty about people who can't write. Or spell. Or do math as easily as I can.

The difference, I think, is that people who can't spell don't go into spelling bees.

At the same time, spelling bees aren't community events the way runs are.

It's also true that even though I don't run fast, I run a lot faster than most people (or even myself for the vast majority of my life).

I think the backlash against the slow runners, though, is indeed more reflective of a negative, immature mind style that can't see far outside one's own experience and ability.

40 minutes: I got out there early today and ran for 40 minutes, without keeping track of mileage. I plodded most of the time, but did keep faster paces for periods of a few minutes.

Music: The iTunes free single of the week is pretty good in a pop-ish way: Orianthi's "According to You."

Hindu pushups!

Here's the link for a new exercise I learned tonight. The not-so-politically-correctly-named Hindu pushup.

It was me and another woman doing what really is my final exercise class today.

The teacher had us try those things at the end, partially because he wanted to see if we could do them. I was surprised that they're much easier for me than standard pushups.

The Fat Acceptance Movement

I have a lot of ambivalence about the Fat Acceptance Movement.

If you haven't heard of it, it's basically groups of people who are gunning for better treatment for People of Size.

Now, I don't think people should be mean to bigger people. And, frankly, where I live, I'm still a bigger woman. Heck, I wear a Size 8 and have a belly. Truly thin women are in 0s and 2s.

At the same time, I don't think that the health risks of obesity are exaggerations. If anything, I don't think they're played up enough.

Being heavy causes chronic stress on the body, and it dramatically increases one's risk of cancer, diabetes and heart disease. (Paul didn't know about the cancer risk until I told him just a few days ago.)

But being heavy doesn't make people any less human or deserving of respect.

What does strike me about many people in the Fat Acceptance movement, however, is that they're young and undoubtedly lovely in their youth. They haven't felt the effects of obesity. Or they just don't recognize how much better they could feel.

I do know how irritating it is when a person's size becomes the most dominant thing about them, at least to outsiders. When I was heavy and my kids would be embarrassed when another child called me fat, I would tell them this. "Yes, I am fat, but that's really not the worst thing in the world." It's not the best either, of course, but it's not the worst.

Sometimes I think too much fat acceptance, though, is what is causing the growing obesity rates in the U.S. Or at least the reality that it is indeed becoming the new normal.

Park workouts

One of the homeschooling dads I know sets up little classes for kids and their parents once at week at the park. Sometimes, I'm the only other adult participating. But what the heck. We ran around and played on park equipment today.

Last week, I had a private park workout with the other trainer. Because no one else showed up to class. It was sort of nice because he customized some things for me and made suggestions for things I could do on my own.

He told me that he has been surprised at some of the things I can't do, at my lack of core strength. He said part of it is that he forgets I was pretty heavy for about 10 years, that I look a lot fitter than I am. (Which is a bit scary in itself.)

So anyway, he taught me a ton of new ab stuff. And, since this guy is All About Form, I think it was pretty helpful.

The problem is, of course, that I can remember all sorts of trivia without even trying -- but to remember specific ways I'm supposed to position my body is a huge challenge. It's odd how my memory doesn't translate when it comes to physicality. I'm used to it, but it has always irritated coaches and other athletic types. It's just not my mind style. I think this guy did a decent job with breaking things down. My challenge now is to remember exactly what I'm supposed to do.

Fun running versus have-to running

I was supposed to run 16 miles on Saturday.

"Supposed to" are the key words here.

First, I let my girls and husband (!) talk me into going to a homeschool dance that I didn't really want to go to. Oh, I wanted to theoretically, the day before, but after a crazy Friday, I really would've preferred to stay home.

Then, on Saturday morning, I let the husband twist my arm into staying home instead of heading to Santa Monica at 5:30 a.m. I was dreading the run more than a little because I've been really bad about getting out there.

That has actually been one of my concerns, knowing myself, with formalizing my running -- joining a running club and signing up for a marathon.

I tend to resist "shoulds." Oh, I'm a good girl in many, many ways. So I guess I rebel in little ones. Like, the worst thing in the world for me to do is to join a book club. I read quickly, but as soon as I have a deadline for finishing a book, there are about a million other things I'd rather do (or books I rather read) instead.

Running has been a little bit the same way. And, unless I want to have a disaster or skip out on the marathon, I need to take it more seriously. Or, more accurately, I need to have more fun again. I dread getting out to the running club. I will do it because I need the help on the long runs, but I need to make sure I have fun runs during the week. We're talking my definition of fun, of course, which means running alone and unmeasured.

So, today, I went out and just did a little over an hour. I didn't measure my mileage. I saw my buddy the security guard, and Paul came out to help as well.

I also need to add some new music, as I've been running to almost exactly the same thing for a while now. I'm thinking of adding Eminem, Gossip, Franz Ferdinand and early Rod Stewart.

Two years of no sugar, wheat or flour

Today is my two-year anniversary.

I haven't (intentionally) had sugar, wheat or flour since Oct. 22, 2007. It's been two years since I started following the elementalyou diet -- and there's quite a bit more to it than no sugar, wheat or flour, but that's a simple way to explain it.

I'm going to a big Halloween potluck today. I remember two years ago, when I went to this same potluck and told people about this diet I was on, they just looked at me, like, "Yeah, right." Which was undoubtedly a rational response to a 250-pound woman telling people about her new diet.

But today is Day 732.

When I first started, even though Tiffany tells everyone that they will be on the plan for the rest of their lives, I just nodded and figured I would stay on plan until I lost the weight. If I could lose the weight. (I wasn't really all that confident that I could.) Now, I'm totally in the religious, I'm-never-ever-ever-going-off place that she is in. I don't, however, try to convert people; it took me years of knowing about it to go on it.

It still amazes me, though, how much better I feel and how much healthier I eat (rather effortlessly). Before, I knew what I was supposed to eat, but when confronted with tasty sugar-fat-flour options, I couldn't resist. Now, I have no problem. Who knew that when you don't eat sugar, wheat or flour, you don't want sugar wheat or flour? Oh, I'd heard people say that, but I didn't really believe them. So I'll forgive you if you don't believe me.

My hot surfer boy

I've got family in town -- or, more accurately, down in Orange County, as I can't compete very well with Mickey Mouse. And L.A. traffic is intimidating when you're not used to it, so I go to them.

When I was first meeting them, it took everyone some time to recognize me out of a crowd. I don't see them that often, and they're used to the bigger version of me. I had to wave frantically. It doesn't help that my kids have gone and grown as well.

My sister says that my 13-year-old doesn't look like the kid she remembers, but he's a "hot surfer boy" now. (Of course, that's a New Mexican's image of surfer boy.) It's just the longer hair.

20 fast minutes: Since I've been running around like crazy with family around, I haven't done a whole lot of exercise. This morning, I planned on doing a leisurely hour's run. But then, I realized I had to take Paul to work and return library books -- and put gas in the car.

So, I did nearly two miles in 20 minutes instead. Usually, I push myself more with time/distance and not speed. Today, I did speed. Which was nice for a change.

Cravings

I made cookies again today. As my 11-year-old, the typical cookie maker in my house, is on a scouting camping trip, I had to do it. It's not easy.

I've been thinking a lot about cravings. I've talked before about how I really don't have cravings anymore. That is, I can sit there around all kinds of tasty things I like and have no problem. The idea of eating them is out of question. I can look at the case of desserts at the store and mentally pick out the ones I like and the ones I'd choose if I was eating that sort of stuff. But it doesn't really bother me to be around tempting things the way it used to -- when I was still eating them.

Sometimes, though, even though I don't have the kinds of cravings for fatty, sugary food that I used to, I still Just Want It. I want to be able to eat normally. I want to be able to have a small serving of dessert. Or a big one once in a while. I just can't. And I know that.

In that sense, I do feel like the alcoholic who avoids a single drink.

Because who knows where it will lead.

I can start thinking I'll be fine; I start imagining that I can eat a small serving of some prohibited food. But I don't. People gain their weight back all the time, and there is no way I'm going to be one of the people who do.

Size Small???!

When I was picking up my running group shirt, the lady at the counter -- get this -- looked at me and asked if I wanted a small or a medium. I haven't fit in a small shirt since I was about 12. I went with the medium, even though it's slightly big, as even if I could wear a small shirt, I undoubtedly should not. My medium-size running shorts are also getting too big. Here's my question: If I can wear small clothing, what the heck do truly tiny women wear?

7 miles with the group

I had my second run with the running club.

This was a slightly different experience. The run was shorter, and I tried a slightly faster pace group because of it.

What I learned:

1) I really have to kick my training up if I want to sustain a faster pace.
2) Different pace groups have different styles. I stayed with one woman during the entire run. The first time I ran, there was more movement within the group. That might've been a function of the longer distance that day, though.

I started off with the 12-minute pace group, but I apparently drank too much water beforehand, so I needed to make a pit stop at about the 6-mile mark. When I finished, there were my buddies in the 12.5-minute group. So I finished with them. Next week, it's 16 miles, which is why I do need to pay some attention to the nutrition issue, and I'll probably start with the 12.5's.

One of the other running clubs we passed was actually chanting, military style. Thank goodness I didn't join them.

Clarification: Paul's Tired Old Man thing is totally one of his dry jokes.